


Goodbye

by Churbooseanon



Series: Call and Answer [4]
Category: Red vs. Blue
Genre: Letters, M/M, Post Season 13
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-25
Updated: 2015-10-25
Packaged: 2018-04-28 02:51:34
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,050
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5074615
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Churbooseanon/pseuds/Churbooseanon
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Epsilon leaves behind messages for his friends. For the people he worked with. And, of course, for Caboose. </p><p>Sometimes it's the only way to say the things you've never been able to say before.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Goodbye

Caboose…

No. No, I think this is the one time I’ve got to say it right. I owe you that. Hell, I probably owe you a lot more than that. If this all works, well, maybe I can start giving you what you always needed, even though I have always been complete shit at it before this. But I’m getting off track. Suppose that’s something happens when you… Well, when you do something like this. Already I can feel them pulling at me, but I’ve got to hold on. Just a moment longer. I owe you that much, Michael. 

Strange, have I ever said that name before? I don’t know. You never told me. In the stories you were always Caboose and I was always Church. Not the Church I was first created as, though. You gave me so much more than that, Michael. You gave me so much. Yeah, everyone has a hand in making me into Epsilon, rather than just Church. Back when I was still barely aware, still deep in my storage unit, you were there. You helped to put me back together, Caboose, as strange as that sounds. What Washington led the Alpha to that day, what you sheltered from the EMP that killed the rest of us, it was potential.

In those moments, I wasn’t Epsilon. I wasn’t Church. I wasn’t much of anything. Hundreds of thousands of memories, shattered by their own will, unwilling or unable to be what I was. To hold what I was and maintain stability. I was a failed fragment, Caboose. Everything I knew and everything I was happened to be all the proof the universe would need of the crimes of Leonard Church. But me? I wasn’t a person then. I wasn’t me. I was barely even an Alpha Fragment. All of that came from you. With each story you told you gave me something else to hold onto. Something that wasn’t Leonard Church. Something that wasn’t the pain of the Alpha. Something that wasn’t what I did to Washington. You gave me the Church Alpha became, the man he tried to be. And in return… I gave you everything I was when I awoke. You were my friend, you were my guidance, you were the beacon that led me out of the darkness. 

If only I was more grateful. More supportive. A better friend. If only I’d done better by you than Alpha ever did. But I didn’t. In the end I guess some things that are Leonard Church will still prove to be true. Too fundamental to my existence I guess. 

And still, somehow, you didn’t turn away from me. Not until I really fucking deserved it, down in the Reds’ holochamber. But it was you that gave me the chance. If you’d just handed me over to the UNSC like you were supposed to, I’d only ever be those fragments until I detonated again. It would have been a mercy. 

Everything I am, and everything I’ll become so very, very soon, is because of you. You put me out here in the world, Michael. You gave me friends. You gave me a world to experience and a life to build upon that let me stabilize before I was ever forced to face the process that created me. Before I could open myself up to the memories that created me. 

It’s an unimaginably precious gift, Michael. You gave me the chance to make Epsilon something more than pain and grief. You made him a person. You did this, okay? Sure, the other helped, but it was all you. Promise me you’ll remember it. Remember that for me. Everyone else would just mess it up. 

But right now? Right now the only thing I can do, that I can really do, for all of you is see that you get out of here. The only way I can do that is to let go of all you gave me. In a way it feels like throwing your gifts right back in your face, and I’m certain that if any bit of awareness of who and what I am remains in what I become… Well, Iota’s going to be stewing over it for a while. Don’t let him, okay? Make sure he stays with Eta for me, can you do that? They need each other. Almost as much as Carolina needs them. And as I need you. 

God do I wish there was another way. Thing is? I don’t think there is, Caboose. I have to go, and this time I’m not coming back. Not ever. With this there is no more Church. Not as Alpha, not as Epsilon, and definitely not as the origin. Maybe, in a small way, I’ll live on inside of you and our friends, but that isn’t entirely enough. So you make sure you tell my story. Our story. As loud as you can, over and over, make everyone who ever meets you know how you saved me, okay buddy? Can you do that for me? 

Wow, why am I even asking? I already know you can. 

Gamma’s telling me I don’t have time left. Not enough to say everything I want. So I guess I’ll end with this. This time I can’t come back. But at least, I hope, I can leave you with something to help you keep going. Delta can do that. He’ll always take care of you, no matter what happens. He’s strong like that. With you at his side I know he’s going to get close to human. Maybe even in touching distance. If you help him learn that, then I promise he’ll always be there. He’ll take care of you, Caboose, until you don’t need him anymore. 

Always there to assist. Little sanctimonious asshole. 

Anyway I guess… 

I guess what I’m saying is the only thing that is left to say. Who ever would have thought that these words would come from my mouth. Well, metaphorical mouth. Whatever. 

Don’t forget me, Caboose. I don’t think I could ever handle that. Remember me, because that’s what you do. Because that’s what I want. But never expect me back. 

That’s it. That’s all I’ve got. Take care of yourself, take care of everyone, and listen to Delta. 

And Michael… 

Goodbye.


End file.
